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16th May 2006

7:02pm: Killer strikes again
So yesterday I was doing some stuff in the back yard. I was going through the gate and my mom's dog bolted past me and got out. I went after her but when she saw me she said "fuck you" and ran even faster away. So I said "fuck you" and didn't chase her down. I knew she'd be back.

Later that night I heard a horrible ruckus outside my window. My first thought was awesome she's taking care of another one of the crazy cat lady's 40 feral cats. But when I ran outside and saw what was going on I felt horrible. The dog was diving underneath the car trying to get at a cat. It was fiercely fighting for it's life. Why it didn't stay under the middle or jump over the wall is beyond me. The dog was going nuts and finally grabbed it and pulled it out. I ran and got the hose and started spraying her with it. She dropped the cat. It layed there still alive but stunned and injured. A second later the dog runs through the water grabs the cat and starts running away with it in her mouth. Right when she gets to the street a van full of children stop and start yelling at her, pounding on their windows. I run down with the hose and spray her again. She drops the cat at the end of our lawn in the street.

Not a minute later the neighbor comes home and starts to park right where the cat is. She is having trouble getting close enough to the curb and so she pulls forward and back, forward and back about 10 times right over the cat.

5th February 2006

7:22pm: "You have to know I love you, I just let you throw up in my hands"
"Mommy? Was it yucky?"
"Yes, it was a bit slimey"
"I don't like throwing up"

I just spent several hours waiting at the doctor with Nathan. He's been asleep most of the day. They gave him yet another round of anti-biotics for his ears.

He's been very defiant lately. Everything's been a struggle with him. I know part of it is his new stepsister and stepmother. (I don't know of a better thing to call them, they're shacking up) But the other thing is I think I've let too much slide for too long. So many things don't seem like that big of a deal until you realize later they are. Like jumping on the bed. I used to let the kids jump on my bed. That didn't last long.

I know I have to call him on things but its exhausting. Especially when everything is a fight with him.

I haven't been doing anything lately. I"m always tired. I fell asleep last night at 9:30. Then I woke up at 1:30am with a stomache ache totally awake. I layed there for awhile, then finally I got up and made some mint tea and played Halo until I got tired again. As soon as I started to doze off Nathan woke up. He woke up 3 more times throughout the night. And then bright and early the next morning. Unless I miraculously don't feel ill, I"m not going to work tomorrow.
Current Mood: drained

9th October 2005

5:26pm: Rare and wonderous talent
My mom is telling me that I have a gift for spotting crazies based on a photo. I don't really know about that. I think I had a few clues. I dunno what really set this guy apart. Was it the cobalt blue suit with the red tie and matching top hat, or was it the maniacal grin? She's shown me quite a few pictures and I've pegged them right every single time. But to me its pretty obvious...
Current Mood: amused

30th August 2005

9:40pm: Nerd sport
So I went to my first fencing class today. It was very brief. The teacher is left handed which is totally awesome. I was afraid I'd have to try to mirror everything. Threebelts stopped by while I was there. He had told me that I"d meet really hot guys and girls in this class. And that the quality of people that take this class was really high, and suddenly I'd have tons of friends. He seemed very excited about it. Anyway, when I walked in I smelled nerd. And then I looked up, and indeed there were nerds. And a couple of old men. There always has to be a few old men. For awhile I wasn't sure if one of the old men wasn't the instructor. And then I heard these squeaky voices talking about how nice of a school it is. Its not a nice school, its ass. And it smells bad too.

OMG I just realized I"m going to get to duel nerds!!! Yay!

So after my class I went to see Uncle G. It was a cool visit. We had southern comfort on icecream and talked about this and that. He said he can show me how to start some investment accounts. I told him about the karaoke dive bar I found and he wants to go the next time I go.

9th July 2005

10:51pm: I needed to plant it. At this point the type of tree it was is fuzzy in my head. You know how dreams get even an hour after you had them. So I went searching for a spot in the corner of my dad's garden. But inside there was a sign. "Homeless people are occupying spare dirt." Or something to that effect. I was extremely upset. This wasn't spare dirt this was my garden. Or would be if I could ever get it rebuilt. I could feel rage, frustration and dispair building in me. I watched while people bustled around, washed clothes, and hammered pieces of wood together to create makeshift shelter. They had cleared the vegetation and layed down boards on the ground over the dirt. One of the shelters was built right where my dad's grapes used to be. That's all I remember...

15th June 2005

10:48pm: I feel like this, a lot...
"the man...whose heart is...imprisoned in something. Because he hasn't got what he needs to be creative...Such a man often doesn't know himself what he might do, but he feels instinctively: yet am I good for something, yet am I aware of some reason for existing!...something is alive in me: what can it be?"

Vincent Van Gogh

I've been reading this book on tapping into the creative process, and a few things dawned on me. All my assorted interests are all pretty much the same thing. They are different modes of a creative outlet. Basically different media. The other thing that I realized is that part of my frustration is coming from trying to run before I know how to walk. I do something that turns out awesome, then I try to jump into something more advanced and wonder why I get frustrated with it. I start thinking of all the potential when I still need to learn how to use the tools.

12th June 2005

2:02pm: Ow
I didn't realize how much I use my muscles and body until it rebelled against me. I've been sick for about a month now. It started with a cold, went to Bronchitis, and now I have severe pain in my side from coughing. I don't know whether I just tore some muscles or if I broke a rib. All I know is it hurts to breath or move. So I"m hopped up on cough medicine to keep from inflaming it more. After a second round of antibiotics my chest is finally starting to clear up. Oh god I sound like an old lady talking about all my ailments.

The good thing is it has forced me to relax. The bad thing is I"m frustrated about all the projects that I want to get done and can't. My quest to get fit has been put on hold. But I think I've realized I"m going about it all wrong. I think I need to concentrate more on eating a well balanced diet and cardio. I don't have mass amounts of time to spend in the gym, but at least doing that much will keep me feeling good and from getting heart disease. I think exercise also keeps me from getting depressed. I know I still get depressed but its not that bad at all when I've been exercising.

I've been finally going through my files and organizing, I still desperately need to set up a work area to do the plethora of projects I have bouncing around in my head. I"ve found several places I can sell paintings if I"d just make some. I"m still completely out of focus, I have way too many things I want to learn to do, but I"ve made a decision to just go with the flow and not worry about it for a few months. In the back of my head I think the answers will come to me. Ultimately I need to focus on one or two things, but deciding which is hard.
Current Mood: sore

11th June 2005

2:13pm: 10 Cent Cup O' Gin
Last night I went to see Frankie Manning speak. I"m so glad I went, I loved hearing his stories. He was one of the original "Whitey's Lindy Hoppers." He did some of the first aerials in Swing. When they tracked him down he was a postal worker. He said that lots of dances come and go but this dance has stuck around.

They used to have parties called rent parties. Where when someone was a little short on their rent they'd throw a party and serve snacks and play music and people would pay 25 cents or so at the door to get in. And if you wanted to give the landlord 10 cents you could take a mug into the bathroom and take a scoop of the bathtub gin. Frankie's mother would go to these parties and tell him to stay in the room with the coats, go to sleep and when the party was over she'd come and get him. Instead of going to sleep he'd get up and crack the door open and watch all the people dance, and try to imitate the moves they were doing.

The different ballrooms were like different levels. There was the Renaissance, the Alhambra, and the Savoy. The Savoy had the people doing the most advanced dancing. So when you were starting out you'd first go to one of the other ballrooms and then graduate to the next. They had dancing every night of the week till 4am or so. There were also nightclubs but at night clubs you went there to be entertained and were usually expensive. Ballrooms you went to be the entertainment. Frankie kept saying, I feel sorry for you guys, we payed 85 cents to get into the Savoy to dance and hear live bands. You can't even buy a pack of cigarettes for that today, although I don't smoke and I don't know how much cigarettes cost. And I'm pretty proud of that. The ballrooms were about a block long each way. They had a band at each end. One band w ould start playing and then the second band would play off the tune of the first band, then the first band would fade out while the second kept playing so the music was nonstop. They didn't take breaks.

Frankie was a regular at the Savoy and a part of the 400 club. So he would get into the Savoy for free in exchange for getting the dancing going. A group of them would go in front of a bunch of people and start dancing. Since he was a regular he knew where all the side entrances were, so some nights he'd run a scheme. Some nights the lines to get in would be really long, the place was filled to capacity. Several guys would be waiting at doors on the inside while he went out to the lines of people waiting to get in. He'd go up to a couple and say, Wanna get in the Savoy? The guy would say yeah, me and my girl. And then Frankie would say, got a dollar? The guy would say yeah and then he'd go knock on one of the side doors for his buddy to let them in. He said one night he made 15 dollars.

One thing he said about the music at the time was that the bands played for the dancers. If your band didn't get people dancing it flopped. He and his buddies would go into the Savoy in the daytime to dance while the bands would rehearse and the bands would ask them how they liked the tempo and if the tune was hoppin. They would give the bands feedback, the dancers had an influence on the music.

After Frankie spoke a troupe of swedish dancers performed. It was totally awesome, it made me want to go home and try to learn to dance, which I do anyway. They did Swing, the Charleston and even some hip hop. It was interesting that these dancers from Sweden had studied quite a variety of American dances. The show ran later than expected because they had sound problems.

I was supposed to leave right after the show to meet up with some friends and go out to the Saddleback Ranch. I decided that I had to see the entire thing. I"m glad I did because my friend ended up flaking on me again. I called her cell and it was out of service, then I called her house and her mom told me she just went to her boyfriend's house. I think this is why I don't really have any female friends. I thought she was calling me but it turned out to be someone else, so I changed my plans. I don't know why I keep making plans with her. The last time I went to the Saddleback I was bored to tears, and she said isn't this great there's so many good looking people here! Good looking people with no individuality and no separate thought. This place is exactly why it was so much cooler back then. People danced an interesting dance back then with complicated moves. Now people just gyrate in a sexual way. I think that's fun too but its like cotton candy, you take a bite and go this is cool and then it disappears in your mouth, you take a few more bites and realize that its sickeningly too sweet.
Current Mood: contemplative

6th June 2005

INFJ - the counselor
You scored 9% I to E, 42% N to S, 14% F to T, and 15% J to P!

Your type is best summed up by the word "counselor", which belongs to
the larger group of idealists. Only 2% of the population share your
type. You are so empathic that you often know what others need before
they know themselves. You are a complex person who can deal with
complicated issues and people, almost prefer to, as you love problem
solving. You can be something of an idealist or perfectionist, and
should try to take yourself a little less seriously.
You are a
supportive and insightful romantic partner, encouraging your mate to
have dreams and work hard to make those dreams come true. Because you
are so creative, you have a wealth of ideas to help them toward those
goals. You need harmony so much that you are driven to resolve conflict
quickly, as long as the terms don't violate your ethics. You feel the
most appreciated when your partner admires your creativity, trusts your
inspirations, and respects your values. It is also vitally important
that your partner be open and emotionally available - in other words,
that they be willing to share themselves completely.

Your group summary: idealists (NF)

Your type summary: INFJ

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 11% on I to E
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 53% on N to S
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 6% on F to T
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 2% on J to P
Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on Ok Cupid

5th June 2005

7:38pm: I feel more like writing when I"m cranky, and I"m definitely annoyed. I volunteered to help my mom's church buddies paint this ladies apartment. I said I had 2 hours, because I had tons of my own things I needed to get done. So she takes me out there and then leaves me, for four fucking hours. They were very happy to have my help. I like the idea of community where people help eachother out but 4 hours of paint fumes is a bit much for me. And this is after she yelled at me for sleeping in. And I"m sick again.
The apartment was surrounded by a jungle. You can't really see the entrance just a little hole in dense green. The rent is incredibly cheap but the land lady hates children. I kept thinking of the children snatcher on chitty chitty bang bang. The second she heard kids she came out of her apartment and sat on her steps and stared angrily at them. Every now and then she'd yell, you just play quietly now! They were there for less than 5 minutes.
Now I must go rest, I hate being sick. This better go away.

30th May 2005

12:06pm: HAHAHAHA YES!

You're Dr. Girlfriend!

Which Venture Bros. Character Are You
brought to you by Quizilla

26th May 2005

5:51pm: A stray cog
Often I've wondered why I would spend mass amounts of time and energy conquering video games, when I wouldn't get that sort of motivation to do more constructive things. Today I realized what it is. Its the sense of competition, when I think about when I've been motiviated to achieve many times its been competitive. I remember staying up after everyone else had gone to bed playing halflife with Chris. Not because I just loved the game but because I wanted to beat him. I never did. I took up chess, because I wanted to beat someone. These are all passing interests but if only I could harness that. I'd be unstoppable. I wonder what it means. Does it means something about my character? Sure there are things that I do just because I like them, but then there are the things I do because I must win.

19th May 2005

11:02pm: Hilariously not funny
I work with a bunch of grandmas who's self worth is tied to their cooking skill and the plastic surgeries they've had. Face lifts, boob jobs, tummy tucks you name it they've done it. So here I am a sucker, I fell for the ole potluck again. I find my self cooking at 11pm at night while I sweat bullets in this heat. They accused me of having my mother cook for me. My mother is Ms. Hotdog with no bun, Ms. Casserole without cutting up the meat, Ms. 30 minutes before guests arrive ask your daughter what to serve them..
I had to peel my jeans off which were stuck to my body by sweat, I'd be cooking naked if I wasn't afraid of burns and there weren't people around. So I"m almost done making this blasted lasagna, and I'm putting the last bits of cheese on top and a big clump of moldy cheese falls out onto it. I just bought this package of grated cheese too, and its not due to expire for another month. I took the moldy part off, sprinkled it with parsley and put the lasagna in the oven. I"m not going to tell anyone.

17th May 2005

11:33pm: oh.
My mom is having a prayer group in my living room tomorrow. I still haven't found that paris video I borrowed and then lost. This is going to be an unpleasant event I already know it. Two of the people who come I went to junior high with. They are now filled with the spirit, and very emotionally involved with holiness. To think, I could have turned out like that. *shudder* They are both single, and sometimes I wonder if they are lesbians. Which would be cool, except they'd be holy lesbians. I think holy lesbians might have some sort of ritual or criteria for who they roll around with or it just wouldn't be holy. I already know they are going to smile and say things in a very high pitched tone. I"m sure English man will come too. Who is quite sexy other than the fact that he's part of this group. Nothing like a handy man with an english accent. I made him blush once, that was fun. I"m not even sure what I did, I just looked at him and he turned beat red. "Don't mess with a missionary man."

8th May 2005

1:34pm: So the swing dance was alright. It wasn't at all what I expected. I thought people would be doing the Lindy Hop more but almost no one did. Everyone was doing the east coast swing or variations on that which was sort of terrible since that isn't the one that I know. So a couple of times a guy asked me to dance and then walked right back off the floor haha. Lame. This awesome little old man taught me how to do it though. He said he didn't mind that I couldn't dance because I had a nice smile. He was so cute, he had this short white beard and a round face, and every time I'd mess up he'd go AAHH! But then when I did it write he'd nod his head and grin and go YEAH YEAH!

I ended up leaving the dance and joining some people at a bar. Where a fight broke out and some grown men were brawling in the street, it was idiotic. All the girls were dressed the same except me. I was still wearing my swing outfit. There's just no creativity in some crowds. I bet they were all stupid too.

7th May 2005

7:09pm: A sign from God
I'm supposed to go dancing tonight, and I've been looking forward to it. I went shopping today and I found the most awesome 40's esque outfit. It makes my ass look awesome. Anyway, I was going to the grocery store and on my way to the car a bee stung my flipflop clad foot and now its swollen. Its a sign from God, he's either saying mow your lawn so the bees have no place to hide, don't wear flipflops, or don't go dancing. Ok so its not a sign from God, it just irritates me when people try to pin every little thing on him. If he is pulling all these strings like a puppet master then why does shorrible shit happen?

5th May 2005

8:33pm: ---
"I love that picture of you, you still had the gap in your teeth."
6:34pm: ...
There's a good possibility that my divorce might be done soon. I"m slowly knocking out all the nutters in my life, like they're bowling pins. Too bad I suck at bowling. If only I could get a strike. POW! Now if only I could learn to associate with mostly sane people. What is it? Why do I attract the crazies? A friend commented that I allow people to treat me a certain way. By letting them I'm saying that its OK. I think a lot of times it has to do with control. People like to feel like they have the upper hand, so if that's threatened they start pulling shit to grasp at some sense of control.

8th April 2005

10:20pm: Do they all want something?
I mowed my lawn, and washed my car and then the rain came. My trees will have to wait for another day.

2nd April 2005

1:11am: There still aren't enough hours in the day. I"m hating men again. I hate men, but I want penis. How does that

27th February 2005

2:59am: 10 lives
Normally I like cats. But I happen to hate the 30 feral ones that live next door and shit on my lawn on a regular basis. Tonight I came home and there was one dead in a pool of blood in the middle of the street and it made me sad. I know this one, I watched it take a big dump in the middle of my lawn. I bet he was on his way to defile my lawn. I hate it, yet, I never wanted to see it like I did tonight.

30th January 2005

7:02pm: Nazi or Buddhist
Today I was in a public restroom and I saw this girl move her hair and on the back of her neck there was a swastica scratched in the back of her neck. I found this odd because she was asian. And I wondered if someone put it there against her will. I"ve always thought of that as a nazi symbol. But I've found out that if the prongs are going the oppostite way its a Buddhist symbol.

16th January 2005

2:05am: Discounted wine, pita bread and apple cinnamon rugulah
I went to the store for icecream, but instead I bought pita bread to go with my humus, some discounted wine, and some apple cinnamon rugulah. I've turned into all those people I analyzed at the grocery store. I was debating all the way to the store whether or not to stop at the bar alone. I never go to bars alone, I make fun of people who do that. Three Belts messaged me and said he was there. That was both good and bad. Good because I wouldn't be there alone and bad because I didn't want to hang out with his wacky ass. I mostly wanted to get out and see if Guitar boy was there. Neither was there.
I parked on the street and on the way there I looked into a parking lot and I noticed someone getting the shit beat out of them in a car. My first instinct was to run up to the car and open the door and yank the people out, but I'm not exactly Xena. So I called 911. I get a busy signal. WTF. So I keep looking over at the car trying to think of something I can do. I feel horrible. I see a guy get out of the car and look at me so I keep on walking. I"m calculating whether I can take him or not and my answer is not. So I get to the bar and I tell the security guard what just happened and he tells me that its not his problem. But then he says he'll send someone over to check it out. I see a security guard walk over there so I go inside.
I walk through and glance around. I see many familiar faces but no one I know. Familiar as in most of the girls and guys have a similar look about them. Tight jeans you could bounce a quarter off and babydoll shirts to cover up their bellies. The guys had short hair, plaid shirts and goatees. I go back and get a beer and then I'm walking around the back patio looking for somewhere to sit and I hear someone squeal my name. Its my sister-in-law's annoying friend. Somehow the noise of the bar made the volume and squeal of her voice a little less annoying. First thing she says is "Omg I can't believe you are here alone, I'd never do that" So I hang out with her and her friends for awhile, and then a girl I knew in highschool comes and hangs out too. She mentions how she's at a bar every night of the week. On the way out I saw the most gorgeous girl. She was the tallest asian girl I'd ever seen. She was 5'10 with long black hair. After that I went home and ate my humus.

6th December 2004

12:23am: I"m still mellow, but a little more sane tonight. And of course I"m still not sleeping. I haven't had any more epiphanies lately. Although I finally did look up what the hell an alkyd is. And I think I might own some, imagine that. But no time to read the rest of it tonight. With any luck I"ll be able to set up and paint soon. I"ve got at least 3 paintings dancing around in my head. Anyway, time for sleep

"Oh no, not me. I never lost control. You're face, to face, with the man who sold the world."

Which reminds me I need to buy a songbook one of these days.

29th October 2004

8:19pm: So I was walking around with a pen behind my ear and a tape measure in my hand. The pen started to fall and I went to catch it with the hand I had the tape measurer in and I bashed my face with the tape measurer. So now I look like someone beat me up. I really hope this doesn't make a black eye.
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